Mother’s Day letter to my sons.

It may seem somewhat backwards writing a Mother’s day letter to my sons. But if it weren’t for my boys, I wouldn’t be a mother, so it feels completely appropriate to me. 🙂

To my sons,

I’m so thankful for the both of you. That because of you – I get to be called mom, mama, mommy, mother. I need you to know that being your mom has been the most difficult yet fulfilling journey in my life.

I was the first one to love you – long before I ever laid my eyes on you. You were a part of me and I felt you long before the first time I held you. You will forever be a part of me and with that said, I truly hope you take away all the best parts of me.

I know I’m not the best mom, if there is such a thing. Forgive me for not always knowing what to do; I’m learning so much along the way.

When you were born I was completely responsible for you, never imagining a day without you. But now that you’re getting older I realize that the hardest part of loving you is having to let you go one day.

Trust in Him, all the days of your lives.

My biggest hope and prayer is that you leave our home with good character. Remember, a man is only as good as his word. It’s crucial that you always stay close to one another – you boys have a bond that can’t be broken. You both are so incredibly special and I just know God has big plans for the both of you.

Being your mother has taught me unconditional love, patience and how to trust in God even more. Being your mama has given me the desire to search God for who He created me to be, so I can be the best version of myself, for you.

Robbie, it was me and you for 9 years; you have exceeded my expectations as a big brother. I am so proud of the young man that you are. Atlas, my smart, happy little dancing machine, thank you for giving me the opportunity to do these early years all over again.

I feel like I could write to you to forever. But I’ll end this letter with another “thank you” for being exactly who you are and for loving me through my imperfections. I love you.

I dedicate these songs to you:

My story actually didn’t start there. When I was 18 years old, I had an abortion. It is single-handedly the worst regret of my life. To be honest with you, I wasn’t strong enough to stick up for myself and I was pressured into the decision, even though it’s not what I wanted.

I was technically an “adult” at 18 years old, but I was really still a child. I won’t sit here and blame anyone else and I won’t justify my ultimate choice. What I will say is, I should have fought harder. I wish I had the confidence then, that I have now. It is the first thing I would do over if I could turn back time. I have never forgotten that child, nor will I ever.

I always felt like she was a girl and she will always be remembered as Rayne Juliana. Perhaps, the daughter I never had.

A piece of my heart broke that day and it will never be repaired.

Thank you for reading my Mother’s Day letter to my sons. I know that sharing about my abortion may have come as a surprise. I wasn’t planning on sharing it, but I can’t exclude that part of me. I am an open book and I’m here for you. If any part of my life can encourage you in some way, then I’m fulfilling my purpose.

If you want to talk more, please contact me! 🙂

Do you struggle with forgiveness? Many of us do. Read here what I’ve learned about forgiveness and why it’s important.